Is that you? Have you ever stopped to think about why? A lot of times, a quick phone call or a brief in-person chat with a neighbor or colleague would be the most appropriate thing to do. You know that is what is called for given the situation. Yet I’ll bet that more than once, you’ve turned to electronic gadgets to say what needed to be said. What is it you fear about opening up your mouth and speaking? What are you afraid of? That you won’t know what to say? That you’ll say the wrong word? That you won’t understand what the other person is talking about? People I’ve worked with express the fear that their minds will go blank if they have to talk spontaneously with another person. Some are afraid of using bad grammar or the wrong word. Some are embarrassed about facial features such as buck teeth or a large nose; the idea of someone else looking right at them is too distracting for them to focus on the conversation.

Years ago, Amy taught in a prestigious university’s summer camp for teen writers. One boy, an extremely talented writer, almost left camp due to conversation anxiety. Our most important classroom activity was “workshopping” student articles, which required each student to read his or her piece and then listen to criticism without interrupting. Charlie told our group that he simply couldn’t do it”he just could not read his work in front of us. Why? He had a severe stutter. “I choose my words differently when I speak than when I write,” he explained. “I have certain letters I avoid when I’m talking. When I’m writing, I can use any words I want to.” Charlie’s classmates told him that they cared more about him and his truly excellent work than about whether he stuttered or not. And they assured him that the entire camp felt the same way. By the end of our program, Charlie was able to put his conversation anxiety aside; he remained aware of his stutter, but it truly never stopped him again.

Stop to think for a second. Imagine if Charlie had made a different decision. What if he had gone home early? What if he had been too afraid to express himself even in his small group? It was a brave step for him to share his fears with the other kids and his teacher. But there was a huge payoff to doing so.

Ron, a vice president at an advertising firm, told me of his frustration with employees who avoid face-to-face interaction in favor of e-mail. E-mail is highly efficient most of the time; but occasionally, it’s not the best way to communicate. “The back and forth takes a lot longer than just popping in and getting an answer,” Ron says. “Over-relying on e-mail sometimes means my people are waiting for the quick answer they need to proceed with their tasks. That’s frustrating to me because it interferes with productivity.”

Amy is well aware of her impulse to use technology to avoid conversation. She seldom checks e-mail, telling herself that caller ID gives her enough information about who called, even to the point that her voice mailbox gets completely full and friends and clients cannot leave messages (talk about frustrating!). “When recording my current voice mail greeting,” she says, “I could not even make myself say the typical ‘If you’d like to leave a message, please do so after the tone.’ When I tried, I stammered through the recording three or four times and simply could not do it. Instead, I say, somewhat pointedly, “If you need to leave a message, do so after the tone.” Rude? Kinda. Passive-aggressive? Definitely.

Do you have telephone avoidance? Ask yourself why you find it so difficult to answer the phone. Try this exercise: Pretend you answer all your calls without screening them. As you move through these examples, come up with a simple thing you would say in response to each caller. What would your answers be?

A salesman calls.
Your neighbor calls to ask you to take in the paper while she is out of town. Your mother calls in the middle of a major work project.
Your community association asks you to join a volunteer cleanup organization.

Dependence as Avoidance

Do you depend too heavily on people for things you know deep down you should handle yourself? Lila, who was single, was in a situation in which her neighbor’s bamboo was spreading across their property line. Bamboo is extremely invasive, and almost impossible to remove once it establishes itself. Lila had broken two lawnmowers trying to stay ahead of it. It was time to talk to her neighbors about a solution. But she couldn’t do it. She asked a friend to talk to the neighbor”which was odd, to say the least. This person was a total stranger to the neighbor and came off sounding demanding and accusatory. The neighbor felt no sense of obligation or cooperation because of that, and Lila continued to have a serious landscape issue”all because she had given in to her dependence rather than deal with her conversation anxiety.

Can you think of people you rely on excessively to handle things you really should be handling yourself? Why do you do that? What thoughts do you have that you want to detach from in that moment? What excuses do you make to yourself?

Historical Link Exercise

Right now, do a historical link exercise. Go back in time as far as you can in your own life and identify a situation where you felt embarrassed or rejected regarding conversation. How old were you? Where were you?

With whom? This memory is located within your Adapted Child mind state”the state of learned emotion. This is an example of a deep imprint with emotional ramifications that need to be resolved”which Work Makes Me Nervous makes possible.

What’s the worst thing about conversation anxiety for you?

Personally?

At work or school?

For the most part, you’ve probably conditioned yourself to accept that “this is just how I am.” You have probably detached from the anger and frustration you would otherwise direct at yourself. You have also learned to avoid many of the conversational situations that make you anxious. “If I never ask a woman out on a date, I won’t have to feel like women think I’m inexperienced.” “If I never volunteer for a committee, then I won’t have to suffer that awful feeling of not knowing what to say.” You may even have convinced yourself that you don’t want certain things in life because you are simply too afraid to encounter the anxiety feelings you work so hard to escape from.

So, no”despite the documented health risks of stress, which are not insignificant”you probably will not die of conversation anxiety. But if you think about it, you aren’t really living either, not when your conversation anxiety keeps you from doing those things in life that secretly call to you. That point was clear to Ursula, a client of mine who was a successful quantitative analyst. An excellent technician, she was afraid of conversations with others. She saw what was possible for her if she gained control of her anxiety: “I need to resolve this problem,” she said, “because my life will be richer.”