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perfect. If I mess up, I’m worthless.” The voices of the other three mind states are faint and impossible to make out when the twin towers are dominating.

Christopher experienced this problem. At 17, he was the point guard of his varsity basketball team. He took about seven shots in 20 games”despite a number of opportunities to do so. His thinking? “If I shoot, I could miss.” His attitude affected the team’s success and kept him from being the best ball player he could be. Remember: In life, you miss all the shots you don’t take.

Should you try to resist the twin towers as a way of lowering those bars? No. That will not work. And you need all five mind states to function healthily. Mind States Balance requires raising the other three bars”increasing the volume on your Nurturing Parent, Adult, and Natural Child. If you do that, the twin towers will recede. You can learn how to balance your mind states. The 21-day developmental program we present in Work Makes Me Nervous provides advanced training in Mind States Balance.

Your goal is to raise the NP, A, and NC mind states. Look at the bottom graph and see what that would look like. What you are after, then, is a balanced mind states graph that would look like this:

Once again, notice how all five mind states are present. This is a dynamic system. When you increase your Nurturing Parent, Adult, and Natural Child, then the Critical Parent and Adapted Child naturally recede to a level that is appropriate for good mental health. Turn to Work Makes Me Nervous to learn how to do this successfully.

The Healthy Brain

Your brain is a remarkable organ”and it deserves special attention so that it performs optimally. You’ve probably heard the following advice before. But read them through again in a new context: that of maximizing your brain health and overall well-being. Healthy brain chemistry is extremely important in resolving conversation anxiety.

• •  Get eight hours of sleep each night
  •  Get at least 20 minutes of aerobic exercise such as walking each day”preferably
  • Eat a balanced diet, with a limited amount of refined sugar and saturated fat.
  •  Limit your alcohol intake.
  •  Avoid using substances.Work Makes Me Nervous goes into great depth on achieving optimal brain health. The book also explores the use of pharmaceuticals to treat anxiety and includes an interview with an experienced psychiatrist and expert on the use of medication to improve social and performance anxiety.You’ll note that “limit your alcohol intake” is on the list. That no doubt means different things to different people. What we can say is true for everyone is that though it is tempting to “self-medicate” for anxiety using alcohol, it is decidedly not the best approach to true mental (and physical) health; drinking is okay, but not drinking to excess. Mike is one example of how drinking can get out of hand. Outside work, Mike enjoyed his relatively free single lifestyle. With plenty of money in his pocket, he frequented fine restaurants and bars in the Midwestern city where he lived. His work life, however, was anything but free. For a long time, Mike had felt nervous at work, particularly when it came to have conversations with a vice president whom he found intimidating. Even so, he made good money and was moving steadily up the career ladder. He was too ashamed and embarrassed that he had anxiety because he didn’t understand what it was. That confusion led to drinking.

    Left unchecked, his anxiety worsened over time and created “flaws” in his performance and health. But he didn’t have a “character flaw.” He had an anxiety challenge that caused a drinking problem and led to depression. Emotionally, he simply “checked out,” drinking to ease his discomfort without admitting to himself that this “self-medicating” had become a serious

problem in and of itself. Clearly, his avoidance had made the problem worse over time. Yet he had never sought counseling or therapy until finally, in desperation, he came to me. His anxiety had grown exponentially, building on itself.

That is how stress works. The more it stays the same the more it accrues”like putting money in the bank to develop interest, but in this case the “interest” is negative. Mike’s belief that he had a character flaw resulted in his detachment from the reality of what was actually taking place. Mike was a very intelligent person who was very uneducated about anxiety. Once in treatment, Mike identified the issues that were causing him anxiety and learned the techniques for resolving his public speaking challenge in a relatively short period of time. That gave him the confidence to tackle his drinking issues successfully.

Using a Party as a Laboratory

My wife’s trainer and her husband were having a party at their house, a small cottage with a fabulous view right on the bay beach. Now, I really didn’t want to go. It wasn’t because I’m antisocial. It’s because I didn’t feel like expending the energy it would take to engage in conversation. It wasn’t because I’m a snob. I get along with all kinds of people. The thing is, as a therapist, I talk for a living, and when I’m on my own time, if I’m going to have conversation I would like it to be stimulating (which actually seldom happens). I don’t have any conversation anxiety at all, but I do sometimes sense how awkward it is to initiate a conversation.

The party was in a space of approximately 600 square feet. There were about 70 people attending. There was no entertainment other than some food and whatever interactions were to take place”the conversation was the “entertainment.” No ball game on television. No belly dancers.

And it is not my style to rely on a technology buddy”an iPhone, BlackBerry, or whatever, when nothing else catches my attention. (I’ve seen people turn to these devices a lot at social gatherings, but given that this house was right on the water, there was no cell phone reception).

When we walked in, our host gave us a 30-second-hello, then we were left alone. I didn’t know anyone else attending other than her husband, whom I knew had two groups of friends, surfers and members of his martial arts Dojo. No one tried to initiate an interaction or conversation with me. As I mentioned, I wasn’t that interested in expending conversational energy that night, so I took a few minutes to observe. It was really interesting to make a note of the different levels of eye contact (a very basic indication of interest) and try to determine if there would be any “connecting.” In a situation like this, it’s either connect and be part of the social process or hold up the wall, right?

Remember how I felt about going to this particular party? I didn’t want to expend the energy on participating in conversation that night. Some people are just going to be passive as you try to chat. They don’t want to bother to access the brain power required for conversation. Accept that. Do not obsess about “What’s wrong with me?” For all you know, the people who clammed up on you did so because they had some conversation anxiety to wrestle with themselves!

This was a matter-of-fact social experience for me. I made the best of a necessary social situation that I really wasn’t interested in. Sometimes you do have to do what you don’t want to”and to be happy, I believe sometimes you do have to do what you want to but are afraid to do. Did people like me? Did we leave too early? Could anyone tell I didn’t want to be there?

These were not questions that even came to my mind. My wife and I went to a party, we hung out for a while, met a few new people, and we went home. No big deal.

Do you obsess about such questions? If so, you would do well to explore self-esteem. Work Makes Me Nervous provides a framework for going deeper to explore the degree to which your self-esteem and social and performance anxiety reinforce each other.

As I mentioned, I am not someone who experiences conversation anxiety. But I do at times experience the burden of keeping up my end of the conversation, particularly when it is among unfamiliar people at a gathering like this. That is true for a lot of people. You hear it all the time, “I don’t like small talk” or, perhaps more honest, “I don’t know how to make small talk” as in “I am afraid I will say something stupid or won’t have anything to say at all.” Many people have conversation anxiety besides you! Can you relate?

Take a few minutes now to envision the party I described: It’s a casual gathering at an attractive but compact beach house. You walk in, are greeted by the host, then there you stand. You look around the room. You see people smiling at each other, chatting and laughing. They have small plates of food. Some have glasses of wine. You spot the buffet table. You see the beachfront deck through the open French doors across the room.

Imagine yourself there. What do you feel? What is your “gut reaction”? When you get that visceral feeling, what thoughts come up? What do you tell yourself?

Picture someone making eye contact with you”not flirting or staring”just friendly, “hey, we’re both at the same party” eye contact. What is your gut reaction? What do you do?

Now I am a good conversationalist. I agreed with my wife beforehand that we were going to give this party about an hour and a half. Teamwork. It’s a good thing. She would stay for hours because she loves conversation, but I had other things I’d rather do, so we compromised.

If your conversation anxiety affects you in social or networking gatherings such as that one, take some time to reflect on similar situations you’ve experienced. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Did you commit to attend the event then obsess about how to get out of it?

2. What was your “gut reaction” in the days and hours leading up to the event?

3. Imagine you’re in conversation with a fellow guest. What are the best and worst-case

scenarios you can think of? What are your “gut reactions” to each of these scenarios?

4. What emotions would come into play?

5. Truth time here. Would you avoid this situation? Why? 6. What are you afraid of?

At a Loss for Words? Turn It Around

People appreciate good listeners. A good way to practice your conversation anxiety management is to ask questions and let other people do the talking. Listen genuinely. One of my patients was a successful salesman who was coming to therapy for stress and anxiety management regarding his divorce. His social skills were extremely smooth. His sales strategy was impeccably productive. I asked him, “What was the singular most important characteristic that has made you a good salesperson?” His answer? “Getting people to talk about themselves.” This is a wonderful strategy to employ. Practice some open-ended questions designed to prompt

responses to get the conversation started. If you receive only brief responses, don’t give up (the person may be feeling a bit self-conscious answering…just like you might). Follow-up questions are also a critical part of good conversation. When you try this technique in your real-life laboratory, remember to truly focus on the person’s answers. Let go of distractions rather than obsessing about by what you “should” say next. Make eye contact. Be open. Believe me, truly listening to another person is a gift to that person”one that will be well appreciated. Here are some examples that you might be able to work in to your conversation. Notice that these are all open-ended questions”not “yes or no” questions, which can leave you hanging:

In work-related networking situations:

1. What kind of work do you do?

2. How did you get into that?

3. What is a typical workday like for you?

4. When you have a chance to take a break during the day, what do you do to recharge?

In social situations:

1. How do you know the host?

2. Do you live in this area?

3. (to the host) Can I help with anything? Use this opportunity not as a way to avoid guests, but to give yourself an “excuse” to mingle by freshening drinks, helping to pass out food, and so on. Smile! Make eye contact!

A Final Word

By now, you realize the personal costs of conversation anxiety: the gut reactions that plague you and can lead to stress-related conditions and illnesses, the lack of connection with other people both personally and professionally, and fundamentally, the way it prevents you from feeling happy and fulfilled. You also know you do not have to feel this way. You can triumph over your conversation anxiety. Amy has done so using the techniques outlined in the 21-day plan in Work Makes Me Nervous. “I highly recommend investing time in following the 21-day plan,” she says. “Although the focus in that book is work, the skills you learn apply to both professional and personal situations.” Amy is a model for success; these techniques have cured her of her addiction to avoidance.

Tragically, people who do not address their conversation anxiety can suffer very serious consequences. Here is an extreme example. Edward, age 29, was an Ivy League graduate who seemed to have a bright future ahead. But his conversation anxiety and obsessive nature often left him paralyzed when it came to interacting with others”even though he truly desired to connect. For example, on his daily walk with his dog, he would pass a young woman who was also walking her dog. He was attracted to her and really wanted to talk to her. He thought over and over what he would say, for weeks upon weeks. He told me he had to have the “perfect” thing to say or “it wouldn’t work.” He never had his conversation. This obsessive perfectionism and negative energy led to depression and substance abuse. His inability to connect via conversation created such a feeling of loneliness and desperation that he eventually committed suicide. His family is currently creating a foundation bearing his name that will eventually provide training to mental health professionals interested in treating social anxiety and selective mutism.

The Bottom Line

The bottom line? It’s simple. You can overcome conversation anxiety.

And now you know you are not alone. Conversation anxiety impacts countless numbers of people. It’s not the type of thing people talk about because of embarrassment and feelings of humiliation and shame”which are such uncomfortable feelings that many people detach from them simply as a means to cope. When conversation anxiety is resolved, your life will become richer, more dimensional, more productive, more meaningful than you ever thought possible.

You now have a basic understanding of your conversation anxiety symptoms and triggers. You’ve read many stories of people who suffered just as you have, only to move through the Work Makes Me Nervous 21-day program and beyond to lead rewarding, satisfying lives. We have helped you prepare a road map with which to set out on your journey to confidence in conversation. We wish you good health.

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