– PUBLIC SPEAKING ANXIETY AND BLUSHING RESOLVED

Q: When you first contacted me what was going on
in your life? Why did you call? What did you need help with?

CAROL: I-I think I-I was going through a depressing
time um, because of the fact that I-I very much knew that I wanted to go back to school, that there were other things that I wanted to do in my life. And um, I knew what was holding me back was my extreme fear of public speaking. AndI dealt with it all my life and I-I think when we wound up moving down here I just became really aware of how much of a prisoner it had made me, um in my life and I w- I was just so tired of that. And I-I just wanted such freedom from it and I really felt myself going into a depression. So I had gone to one of the local stores, I had picked up a book to read and it was um, a book written by you and when I-I read it um, I just felt there was nobody else that I would be able to talk to except for you. I just felt very alone in the world. I didn’t even feel that going to any other therapist um, would make a difference It had to be somebody, as I said when I read the book that I-I just really felt understood. As I was readingit I said this is me. This is somebody who really understands what’s going on in my life.

Q: Part of your problem was the specific symptoms of blushing and sweating.

CAROL: Yeah, yeah. More-more the blushing than anything.
I mean to me what called that-that bright, red, burning face that was
there larger than life for everybody to see. How many times I had said I-I wish it could have been just sweating, something that I felt I could have covered up by wearing black clothes or something but um, no, no it had to be uh, it had to be the big, bright, red face.

Q: How was this affecting you?

CAROL: It was getting me to avoid, um, v-virtually
anything that would put me in the spotlight when I felt like there would be any kind of attention focused on me. And as I began to move through life I realized that it didn’t have to be, many times being in a room filled with a lot of people. Sometimes it was just a um, a-a small gathering of people, maybe three or four. But it became more being aware that the focus of attention was on me. That’s when kind of it flooded to me um, the fact that their-their looking at me. You see it really didn’t matter if it was you know, a matter of five hundred people, a hundred people or five people. It was I-I-I really was so, so aware that that focus of attention was just on me. People’s eyes were on me.

Q: What interpretation were you putting on the blushing?

CAROL: Actually on-on the blushing I… I guess a lot of things but my main feeling was that-that I was imperfect. That somehow I was weak. By people seeing this blushing, red face, um it was that… it was almost where they could see that I was frightened and in that, in that fear was-was an imperfection that they were judging me, as kind of like, oh look at this silly woman. Look at her. She’s-she’s blushing therefore um, uh she’s weak, she’s imperfect, disregard anything she says. As crazy as that may sound.

Q: I have used your story many times on a radio or TV show and I say in my first session with this successful woman, homemaker, mother of two, happened to be an ovarian cancer survivor and she said to me, Jonathan I’d rather be back in chemotherapy than speak in front of a group. Now I was quoting you.

CAROL: Yeah.

Q: Could you just elaborate a little?

CAROL: Yeah, that was a point where I’m… and it
still seems bizarre to me now, all this time looking back, it’s very hard to
believe that, but um, but it was. I mean cancer was something that-that shook me to my core and something so very frightening that I went through, yet it amazed me that I really did feel that way. The fear was so great of having to stand up or-or speak in front of people and again have-have all that attention placed on me, that I really felt… All I could relate to was going to another time in my life when I had something that really feared me and you know terrified me and it was the cancer. And I have to admit that that was the truth at that time. I felt that if I had to be terrified of something I would rather be terrified of the cancer because therewas no judgment placed on me. It wa just me, by myself going through the fight of my life. Verse um, going through something very terrifying that other people were a part of, other people actively could see. And when you take chemo you’re in your hospital room kind of by yourself and-and um, there’s no pressure, no judgment, no expectations, no nothing put on you. But it isn’t the same with um, social anxiety. As I-I’ve kind of learned, I guess that’s what it’s called.

Q: Where would you say that you are currently at with your social anxiety and the blushing?

CAROL: I’d probably say at this point, just because
of the fact that I’m a pessimist so I will never give numbers like ninety or a
hundred, but I’d say I’m probably eighty-five percent better. And I have learned that that extra fifteen percent that I have of that nervous jitters or whatnot before um, I feel if I’m-I’m
going be speaking or with around a group of people I realize that’s just-that’s
just basic nervous energy. I can’t tell you how good it feels at this point to know that I can make choices in my life because I want to. If I want to go back to school tomorrow and-and go on for uh another degree or-or take a promotion at a job or whatever that requires you know interactions with large groups of people, I really feel eighty-five percent better now, that I know I’d be able
to step up and do it.