Avoidance

At its heart, conversation anxiety becomes about avoidance. Every time you back out of plans or make excuses or retreat into the shadows during a conversational opportunity, you are exhibiting the classic sign of an anxiety sufferer: Avoidance. If you are aware of avoidant behavior at work, you would be doing yourself a favor if you obtained Work Makes Me Nervous and completed the 21-day self-guided program. And if your conversation anxiety causes you to avoid social situations, I strongly urge you to obtain Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties, which expands on the concepts we introduced you to in this e-book, enhancing your ability to conquer your fears; also available at your local bookstore or through online retailers such as www.BarnesandNoble.com and www.Amazon.com, Beyond Shyness not only addresses adults with social anxiety, but also offers insights especially for parents of children and teens with such issues. Both books feature my extensively tested strategies for overcoming anxiety and building confidence and skill.

Avoidance as a response to conversation anxiety can become selective mutism, which is so poorly understood that many sufferers go untreated, a fact that characterizes the treatment of social anxiety treatment in general.

Professionals remain confused about how to treat selective mutism. Elizabeth, age 12, was a straight-A student; yet she never raised her hand in class. If her teachers called on her, she would struggle to give a forced one-word answer. When she was with her peers at school or in social situations, she would not talk at all. Her parents enabled her by ordering for her in restaurants and filling in the silences when they socialized with other adults and families. She would never talk about feelings and would get aggravated when she was pressed. After eight sessions of therapy she was actually talking to me on the phone, but her obsessive worry and compulsion to not talk remained very extreme.

To help with her debilitating perfectionism, I suggested that her parents consult with physician to arrange for medication to treat her obsessive and compulsive characteristics. Their physician referred them to a psychiatrist who after one visit said to the parents, “She’s totally normal and she will talk when she’s ready.” Without treatment, however, I am pretty sure she will never be ready. This doctor’s professional ignorance may cost Elizabeth an entire life of conversation anxiety, debilitating stress, compromised relationships (or a lack of them), and career success. Sadly, I’ve worked with many individuals who are never “ready.” Check out some of the interviews at www.socialanxiety.com.

Another example of selective mutism and its costs is Brad. He had a lot of money in the bank from business deal. He was an expert in financial software programming. He was attractive and intelligent age 46. He had 2 children. He was recently divorced after 10 years of marriage. Other than his wife he had no other intimate relationships with women. His wife facilitated most, if not all, of the verbal communication between the two of them. After one year of separation he was a responsible and motivated father; lonely, somewhat depressed and dependent on his four or five beers a night for entertainment and mood control. He started dating through two on line services. He found that given his “profile” there was a lot of interest from the opposite sex as he was considered a “good catch”. After going on dates with 7 women there were no second dates. These women did not like the responsibility of having to carry 85 percent of the conversation; a dynamic that his wife used to do. To what extent do you avoid the types of conversations that give you the strongest gut reaction? How do you justify that to yourself? What does it cost you personally?