“Tip of The Month Club”
www.socialanxiety.com

A 13 year-old with selective mutism was beaten up in day camp
Jonathan Berent, L.C.S.W.

This bullying was done by three of his peers. He was the target because of his mutism and social difference, which positioned him quite low in the social “pecking order”. Understandably, this child did not want to return to camp because of the high situational anxiety. Sadly, this scenario was a negative investment in the avoidance and dependence syndrome.

Obviously this child’s parents were distraught. I counseled them regarding the fact that their child was at risk to be an angry loner. In addition, I hoped this episode, which had a traumatic character to it hopefully would push the 13 year- old out of his delusional perception that it was ok not to TRY to talk.

Selective Mutism occurs in many degrees from person to person. Whatever the intensity and degree of the mutism, it is important to know that the mutism itself is driven by an obsessive mind. In essence, the person’s brain is experiencing a nervous tic.

While many selectively mute children are quite intelligent intellectually, their social and emotional intelligence is greatly at risk because of the mutism. In fact, countless numbers of adults, who relate to the concept of SM, have contacted me. These individuals have high levels of distress, and very commonly, an underlying depression, due to their social skills challenge. Listen to Mike, an adult with SM.

Now that summer is ending the typical SM child will be faced with his/her ultimate performance challenge; school. Typically another cycle of “enabling” by school personnel will occur. This process of “accommodation” will make the school environment easier for teacher and student, but will not be productive for the mental health of the child. For the many parents who say “my child is totally normal at home; it’s just in school”(where the problem is), please understand this is a typical dynamic.

In my clinical work since 1978 I have found the following to be productive for helping the SM child:

1. Understand that the longer the mutism is present, the more it is integrated into the personality; therefore the sooner there is restructured parenting, the purpose of which is to facilitate the child’s potential, the more potential there is for productive healing. In fact, when SM is present in adolescence, a major developmental disability is present as social and emotional intelligence is substantially at risk.
2. Parents need to understand the mutism as an “addiction to the avoidance of speaking” and need to learn a non-enabling strategy.
3. Parents need their own stress management to sustain an empowering strategy.
4. Parents need to learn how to help their child “attach” or connect to emotions in general, and the specific thinking that causes the anxiety. This is a challenging, but powerful process.
5. There is a right and wrong way to use medicine. Using medicine without learning an empowering parenting strategy is dangerous!
6. Investing in the belief that the child will simply “grow out of the problem” is an unproductive luxury and the singular biggest mistake that is made.
7. Individual therapy or play therapy without a parenting strategy will usually result in, at best, an extremely slow learning curve.

You may want to listen to interviews with SM families who have resolved the problem and to the extensive library of interviews with patients who have resolved social anxiety.

The following options are available:

1. Free CD: Hear interviews with 5 patients who have resolved selective mutism.
2. “Parenting The Selectively Mute Child”: A self-therapy audio CD program.
3. Selective Mutism Seminar on audio CD.
4. The book “Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties” (Simon & Schuster).
5. Parenting therapy via telephone.
6. Therapy in Great Neck, New York.
7. Self- Therapy audio CD for Public Speaking Anxiety.
8. Comprehensive self -therapy audio CD program for social and performance anxiety.
9. Social Therapy and the Learning Disabled: A seminar for parents on audio cassette.

There are numerous free diagnostic tools at www.socialanxiety.com.

Spaces for therapy in office and via telephone are limited. There is approximately a three week wait for an initial appointment.

Wishing you good health,

Jonathan Berent, L.C.S.W.
www.socialanxiety.com