– A COLLEGE ATHLETE RESOLVES SOCIAL ANXIETY AND OBSESSION DISORDER

Q: How’s your golf game?

JACK: Golf game is getting better. Uh you know, it’s always a work in progress
but it’s uh, certainly improving slowly but surely.

Q: What are you shooting these days?

JACK: Uh, mid-seventies around low to
mid-seventies, trying to get a little bit lower.

Q: Well there are lots of people listening who
would like to have that as their score.

JACK: I’m sure.

Q: Let’s start by describing what was going on
for you when we originally met. Describe
the problem that existed.

JACK: Sure.
It was just an overall um, anxiety that I had towards specific social
situations and those social situations were uh… We talked a lot about the cocktail party
scenario or you know, just gatherings of people where there was a lot of people
who you’d never met before and there was an expectation to interact with these
people right away. So whether it was
cocktail parties or uh, I don’t know, any-any type of social engagement like
that, like a wedding and you’re sitting at a table and there are ten other
people there that you don’t know and I get a lot of anxiety um, and there was a
lot of sweating and general nervousness going into it, leading up to it. For several hours before the event. I would find myself obsessing about it and
really thinking about what was going to happen now, how I was going to have the
conversation, I just… I wasn’t letting
myself be free with um just accepting what was going to happen I had-had to
know what was going to happen beforehand and I was…

Q: Okay, hold on. Let’s start with the cocktail party because
that was the point of intervention. While
Jack has been extremely motivated in therapy the initial contact was via his
parents. The story I heard was it was
Christmastime and there was a cocktail party but you didn’t go and they were
concerned. What was going on for you
that you made the decision not to go?

JACK: You know in that specific situation it was
even… [CLEARS THROAT] it was extreme because they were even friends of ours and
it wasn’t even like it was an unknown, you know strangers I would be
interacting with. But I just found myself
I don’t know, really revert… I was
probably twenty years old and the time and I was reverting to like a twelve
year olds mindset. This, I don’t want to
go, I don’t want to go, I’m not going. I
didn’t… I couldn’t think it through clearly and irrationalize it. It was like um, I ju- I ju- I couldn’t, I
just couldn’t think properly about the situation. It was going to… It was just a… basically a dinner party with
family friends and I couldn’t get around the fact that I’d have to interact
socially with them and I wasn’t… I just wasn’t comfortable uh doing that and I
just put up a firm no and I ended up not going and my parents were… they
weren’t-they weren’t even angry. They
were just disappointed and upset that it had come to that point that I couldn’t
even go out to dinner with family friends.

Q: I want the listeners to know that Jack is a
very intelligent, good looking young man who is a terrific athlete, comes from
a wonderful family, he has very high values, his ethics are wonderful. Okay so you had this problem with the
cocktail party but it was more than that.
As you learned in therapy the underlying dynamic for the social and
performance anxiety was obsessiveness.
Can you describe that?

JACK: Yeah, the obsessiveness was just, um, uh, a constant
state of worrying and thinking about the social engagements that were to come
um, or you know just constantly obsessing about it in my mind. And-and like I said before not really being
able to rationalize it and um, to-to think rationally about it and it was just
uh… You-your mind is just going a
million miles an hour and then you know when you’re actually in the situation
and you’re obsessing about it. I feel
like that-that obsessiveness and you know the thinking really quickly about it
and your mind’s moving a million miles an hour, and then the sweating comes and
then it-it just… it all kind of hits you.
It all comes right at you and it’s uh, you know it’s a very uh
nerve-wracking experience to go through when-when that obsessiveness you know,
leads into um the sweating… And then
y-y-you just it’s kind of like we talked about before what I call the freak-out
and you just you go to the bathroom and you-you splash water on your face and
it-it’s tough. It was uh, t-tough
experiences that we went through.

Q: When you were locked into the obsessing, what
were you primarily worrying about?

JACK: You know it was really just the minutia of
conversation and what I was going to have to-what I was going to have to do you
know, just stuff… I feel like most uh
people who are healthy in this aspect of their lives never even think about,
what am I going to say? You know, what
are the exact words I’m going to say?
I-I wasn’t… I was afraid to-to freestyle in a conversation. I wanted-I wanted to practice. I wanted uh, you know, something written
out. I wanted to rehearse what I was
going to say. I couldn’t… I was nervous about how I was going to tell
my story, how I was going to ask them questions… just the general minutia of
conversation.

Q: How was this anxiety affecting your life?

JACK: Uh, it affected my life in uh, a number of
ways. For one, I was you know, limiting
myself from going to uh things like I should go to, like the example with my
family and you know, cutting myself off from um just experiences that are meant
to be happy e-. You know everyone
en-enjoys to parties. They’re-they’re
usually a good atmosphere and I wasn’t even letting myself go to that because I
was too nervous about the social conventions and-and dealing with my anxieties,
then I was about having a good time. So
it definitely impacted that part of my life obviously. But then in the larger sense I think it
really led to a lack of self-confidence in-in my personal life. And… you know I think… and that manifested-manifested
itself in an untold number of ways. Um,
just a general um, lack of confidence in myself and it was uh… I don’t know,
just-just, I don’t know just a lack of-of self-confidence and then uh…

Q: Do you feel like this anxiety problem was
affecting your mood?

JACK: Um, yeah, I think it was. I think there was um… I don’t know if there
was a-a cloud over my head but it was um, I wasn’t allowing myself to be happy
and free and… Just when you-whenever you
worry and-and you can-you can almost tell anxiety on the face of somebody. You know they just look kind of really-really
and tight and really stressed out and not free and easy and relaxed. I think that was kind of like a-a permanent
attitude that I carried around with me.
And um, every once in a while I’d be able to be happy and be free but
my-my general consistent mood was kind of an anxiety um, ridden attitude.

Q: Do you remember what you’re thinking or
attitude was when your parents made the first step toward therapy?

JACK: I think it was uh, relief. I wasn’t…
I think a lot of people um, are reticent to admit that they have uh a
problem or an issue or something that could be fixed. And I think that’s especially true for-for
kids my age because you know it’s-it’s tough to kind of admit that you’re not
good in social situations or that you get uncomfortable, because you see all
your friends seemingly able to do it so easily.
Every week-every weekend night they’re always going to parties and
having a good time and you-you feel kind of like an outcast. And it’s…
To admit-to admit that is a-is a really big step and you know, a lot of
people are-are not able to do that right away.
So when my par- my parents took the initiative on it, my mom in
particular, um I think she heard something about you on uh, on WFAN there, um
six-sixty. And you know she made the
phone call, she told me about it and I don’t really remember there ever being
ever any hesitation on my part. I was
like alright, let’s go. I’d love to
learn more about this and I-I would like to-to see if we can change this
because I’m sick of dealing with it.

Q: That’s a very healthy attitude. Now very subjectively and very honestly, what
percentage of your problem of performance anxiety and the underlying problem of
obsessiveness, do you feel you have resolved to this point?

JACK: Um… I
would say between ninety and ninety-five percent.

Q: That’s an amazing stat. I’d like you to talk about how you achieved
that number.

JACK: Sure, um…
Well obviously it all started with the conversations that I had with you
and going through certain scenarios and um talking them out and learning more
about what they meant from like a-a psychological perspective. And… rather than just you know, here’s what
happened and I’m… we were able to-to talk it out. And I think um one of the biggest couple of
things that we touched on was um, nurturing the natural child, which is your, you
know, ability to enjoy things spontaneously and-and um, you know, just be
curious about things and not always have to have a plan like I did in the
past. Um, and what-what started to
happen was I started to take some of the techniques that I talked about with
you and you know, you were a great sounding board um for the situations that I
talked about, and then I would go into um, the real world you know. I’d get off the phone with you and then there
would be an event. And a so-social event
that I would previously have said no I’m not going to. And while at first there was still a large
amount of anxiety in going to that event, I saw it as, this is a test. This is like a training situation to see if
you can implement some of the techniques and to see if you can… if you have im-
if you have improved. And the way I
looked at it was even if I fail miserably it’s still going to be you know a
great topic of conversation for my next time I get on the phone with Jonathan,
because it’s going to be a-a lot… I’ll
tell him what my physical reaction w-was what my mental state was and then we be
able to move on going forward. So what I
started to do was put myself in a lot more of those type of situations and it
um, it really helped because you know, the more repetitions and the more
practice you get the better you’re going to get at it…

Q: The more repetition and the more practice you
get yes you’re going to get better. Some
people don’t, just by repetition.
Repetition and practice is very important if you coordinate it with your
thinking, your emotions and the physiology of performance. Okay?

JACK: Okay.

Q: What is the difference in your attitude and
your psychology with the way you approach social events now, compared to
before?

JACK: The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that I
don’t… I’m not preoccupied with it leading up to the event. And I’m not thinking of it a day before. I’m not thinking of it two days before. And I’m not obsessing about it four hours
before and counting down until I have to go.
It’s a lot more, okay, that’s on my calendar and I’m going to get to
that when I get there. And, when I get
there um, it’s definitely… I’m less concerned with myself and I feel like that
was a big issue was I went in there and I was thinking about, this has to be a
performance. I have to really done a
good image of myself and do a very, very good job. You don’t have to… It wasn’t about performance. There shouldn’t be a performance aspect to
it. It should just be you going in
there, having conversations and you know, just being yourself. And the other thing that really helped me
also was I always looked at other people who were in the social situations and
said, man, they’re-they’re awesome at that.
You know, they’re-they-they must-they’re amazing at it. But you don’t realize that you know,
it’s-it’s an awkward situation for everybody.
You know, when you-when you go and meet so… I don’t care if you’re the
best you know, social person in the-the most social person in the entire world
any, first time meeting somebody and you have to have a twenty minute
conversation with them, there’s always going to be a certain level of
awkwardness and it just comes down to accepting the situation for what it is,
being yourself and not worrying about putting on a performance. That’s-that’s what really helped.

Q: So you have to play around with the concept
of perfection, right?

JACK: Oh definitely.

Q: Just thirty seconds on that, please.

JACK: Uh, perfection was… I just thought every word
I had to say was perfect. Every story,
every reaction, every… i-it… I mean it sounds silly even saying it right now
but it was just I didn’t want to slip up in uh, in any way. And I don’t even know how to define what a
slip up would be in a conversation, but you know after I-after I’d go to a-a
cocktail party say, I’d come back and if I felt like I messed us some part or
didn’t really know what to say in a cer-certain situation, I would beat myself
up over it for not being perfect. Not
having the perfect response or whatever.
And that’s something I definitely got past.

Q: For people of your age eighteen through
twenty-one, who have been experiencing this anxiety, what words of wisdom or
advice do you have for them?

JACK: To not feel like you’re going at it alone and
that you’re the only person in the entire world who has a little bit of an
issue with this. And that it’s-it’s
actually a lot more common than you think.
If you actually take the time to notice how your friends and the people
you hang out with all the time interact with people, or you know… Everyone um has a certain level an [PH] of
anxiety about certain things and what I start to notice, when I start to become
more aware of what my problem was I could s-see you know aspects of it in other
people, and the avoidance that they would have.
I think that it really helps to know that you’re not going at it
alone. There’s more people out there
that feel the same way that you do, and that there’s no shame and there’s no
embarrassment in going to-to get help about it, because it’s-it’s a really
tough thing to conquer on your own. I
don’t know if-if you can ever totally conquer it on your own, but if you have
help and guidance to go along with it and it’s uh, like I just said ninety to
ninety-five percent cured. And I think
that’s a testament to the value of having that type of relationship with
someone who can help you with this.

Q: Jack, thank you very much for sharing. I hope your golf score goes down to
sixty-seven.